Don't try this at home

A few weeks ago, I became very agitated because my leaf guys did not come after my repeated attempts to contact them. Therefore, I had a lot of leaves on my front lawn. Day after day, I drove out of the garage, looked at the leaf-covered lawn, and crossed my fingers that my leaf guys would magically appear. And day after day, I came home disappointed that the million gajillion leaves were still there, mocking me.

So one morning, after dropping Gorby (age 5) at school, I parked in my garage, grabbed a rake and a snow shovel (yes, you read right), and started raking. And shoveling. You see, my brilliant children often like to "rake" leaves in the fall. With a snow shovel. Hence, I thought this was a good idea. However, after two hours of raking, I had: a large pile of leaves on my curb, a lot if leaves still on my lawn, flower beds and front walk, and an extremely sore back. Meanwhile, my leaf guys came and used their 7 billion horsepower leaf blowers to get rid of my leaves and take them all away. THAT DAY. And I had to take a lot of Motrin for a lot of days. I am 82 years old. Next time, I will remember: Don't try this at home.

Meanwhile, when the TruGreen guy came a couple weeks later, I ran out to greet him because I had noticed that there was a whole section of my lawn (like the entire middle) that now had little to no grass on it. I was incensed. How was it that TruGreen was constantly fertilizing, seeding, doing whatever it does, and I had this whole bald patch on my front lawn? And, as I was talking to my TruGreen friend, I came to the realization that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU USE A SNOW SHOVEL TO PICK UP LEAVES FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN AND YOU RUN THAT SHARP METAL EDGE UP AND DOWN YOUR AWESOME LAWN FROM TRUGREEN FOR TWO ENTIRE HOURS. Leaf removal is best left to the professionals. Remember for next time, Honeycake, don't try this at home.

Later that week, I was walking down our street with Zsa Zsa (8), Eva (7) and Gorby and we saw a miraculous sight. A guy, on his roof, running back and forth. Putting up lights. And it dawned on me, this is why Jews don't decorate their houses for the holidays. Because what Jewish guy goes on his roof? EVER? We stood, awestruck, watching this guy just walk around his roof as if it was his back yard. Though he was a large man, he frolicked along that roof as if he were a small sprite, hanging a string of lights here, and another there, beautifying the place for the holidays. And he didn't fall off or anything. Don't try this at home.

And just today, because I didn't learn my lesson when I accidentally gave Perfect Eldest Son (Pes, 10) a reverse mohawk the second or third time I used clippers to cut his hair (like two years ago), today I actually made him bleed. And gave him bad haircut number 32 in the process. I was trying to shave his neck and instead cut his neck (similar, but not exactly the same).

He cried, "Mommy! I was just standing here doing nothing. I didn't even move. You cut me, you cut me!" Oops. I felt horrible, of course, and put a nice big band-aid on his neck after he got out of the shower. And it really didn't bleed that much. But seriously, oops. Meanwhile, Big Shot Husband was like, "Just let me do it next time. I always tell you to let me do it." But he was making quesadillas for everyone so I thought I'd do the haircuts. Next time, I will remember, don't try this at home.

As I was giving Gorby and Pes said haircuts, I thought of the irony of the situation. We bought this haircut kit to "save money." Meanwhile, cutting their hair a) stresses me out b) always turns out looking bad, and c) causes bodily harm. So while I pay my leaf guys and TruGreen a million dollars, I save 15 bucks on giving the boys haircuts while concurrently causing everyone major trauma. Wonderful.

Meanwhile, since I sometimes consider myself a professional parent, I felt that I was qualified to give my children a little talking to on Friday before we went to a nearby city to spend Shabbos with family friends. On the way home from school I pleaded to Zsa Zsa, Eva and Pes, "Please don't fight with each other at the Murmelsteins on Shabbos. I really don't want them to think we're a dysfunctional family." "But Mommy," said Pes, "Aren't we?" Note to self: Honeycake, the parenting thing, don't try this at home.

So now I need to take stock and re-evaluate, just in time for the secular New Year. I should never:
1) rake leaves
2) go on the roof
3) give my boys haircuts with electrical devices (or scissors, let's be honest)
4) ask my children to behave

So, I will just make the resolution to write more blogs. And leave the rest to the professionals.