Babes in the Woods

So we had a little mishap this past Shabbos. I almost had a heart attack. Here's why: I lost four boys in the woods. Oops.

My nephews, Banana (14) and Chabibi (11) were in town from the Holy Land, and spent many hours playing army, throwing balls and talking baseball with my Perfect Eldest Son, Pes (10), and my darling little Gorbachev (4). On Shabbos afternoon, I decided they needed a little nature walk. There is a beautiful wooded trail behind our house which is the perfect venue for children to frolic. We headed out to the woods: Big Shot Husband, cousins, sons and daughters Zsa Zsa (8) and Eva (6). There is a small trail behind our house leading to the large main trail. Generally, we take this trail a little ways to a large rock formation which we named "Pride Rock" many eons ago in deference to the Lion King.

On the way to Pride Rock, the raindrops started. Zsa Zsa began to get nervous, "Mommy, it's not safe to be near trees during a storm." There were like three raindrops falling and no discernible air movement. "Don't worry, Zsa Zsa," I said soothingly, "It's just a few raindrops." By the time we got to Pride Rock, however, it was a torrential downpour. Luckily, Pride Rock provided shelter from the storm. Unluckily, our usual summer storms, which normally last ten minutes, appeared to be lasting a million minutes. Plus, the kids decided it was a lot of fun to run around in the downpour, jump in the mud and get really wet. This makes children smell like wet dogs. Especially boy children.

Anyway, we decided to head back home in spite of the storm (the children could not have been any wetter anyway) and the boys quickly ran ahead up the path. By the time Zsa Zsa, Eva, Big Shot Husband and I got to the small, difficult to find path leading back to our house, the boys were nowhere to be seen. "Oh," I said, "The boys must be home already." That was unlike me because normally I think the worst in any situation. We walked home. The boys were still nowhere to be seen. This is where I panicked.

Apparently when I panic, I make stupid decisions and my brain shuts down quickly.  Big Shot Husband offered to go back to the trail and find them which would have been a good idea because a) he is cool-headed in most situations, b) he has way longer legs than I do and, hence, walks much more quickly, and c) most likely they had probably just missed the little trail leading back to our house, so walking quickly would have served him well in this kind of situation.

However, I decided to go on a LONG walk all the way up the main road to "head them off at the pass" where I knew they would end up if they kept walking instead of doubling back to find the path leading to our house. This was stupid because a) It took me a thousand hours to get to the entrance of the big trail on the main road and b) if they had made it to the main road, they would have been able to find their way home, and c) who says, "head them off at the pass?"

Anyway, I started toward the main road. They weren't there. After a long walk wherein I prayed a lot, I got to the beginning of the trail via the main road. They weren't there. I started walking back into the woods hoping to run into them. I didn't. I did, however, run into a weird-looking guy carrying a plastic container filled with twigs, leaves and dirt. Hm. "Hidey-ho!" He greeted me. I was like, great, now I am going to get killed.  I looked at him and said, "Did you see four boys?" "Nope," he said, "I just got onto the trail by that big rock and didn't see a soul." I started crying. He looked at me like I was crazy.

"It's OK," he said, "That's how boys are. I am sure they are fine." This was after I told him my eldest nephew was 14 and there were FOUR of them together. "And," he continued, "It's much safer back here than out on the road." "Yeah, right?" I brightened up. "All my friends think I'm crazy because I like to run out here by myself and I think it's much more dangerous on the main road because any maniac could grab me, I'm not that big." "Yeah," he said, "I tell my wife that all the time. I mean, on the road a van could quickly pull up next to you, grab you, and you're gone. No vans in the woods!" I gave him a sidelong glace. "Yeah, heh heh," I said.

"Anyway," he continued, "If you want to use my phone you can call home and see if they made it." Oh geez.  "Um. . .It's our Sabbath today and I can't use the phone." He looked at me like I was crazy. Again. A lightbulb went off in his brain. "How about if I call?" Oh no. "Um, they won't really answer. . ." "OK," he said. "Good luck. I am sure you'll find them." By this time we had reached my turn off, the little trail leading back to our house. He told me if he saw them he'd take them right back there.

I started trudging home, praying and crying again. I imagined all kinds of horrific scenarios. I blamed myself for not keeping better track of them. I wondered how we would manage to get on the airplane the next day for our big trip if we were missing two of our four kids. Plus, I imagined that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law might be slightly peeved if we lost two of their kids. I cried and cried. When I arrived home, Big Shot Husband greeted me on the front lawn and I saw the 57 pairs of wet shoes gracing our front porch and I thanked Hashem for bringing them back to me. Big Shot Husband said, "Don't cry, you'll scare the children." I kept crying.

I walked in. All the kids looked at me, the boys apologizing profusely for disappearing. "We just walked too far, we turned back and found the trail and came straight home. It's OK, don't cry." I kept crying. I said, "Boys, you'll never know what it is to be a mother. It's like having your heart ripped out over and over." Silence.

A few minutes later, I was sitting with Pes and hugging and drooling over him. I said, "I am so glad you are OK," sniffle sniffle, "I don't know what I would ever do without you and Gorby. I'm just glad Banana and Chabibi were with you, otherwise I would have fainted long before I could have even started to search for you." "Don't worry," said Pes, "If Banana and Chabibi weren't here I never would have run ahead in the first place."